Thursday, December 31, 2015

The Journey Home...

Los Angeles, CA
2009

This was written on December 1st, 2015.  I just didn't feel comfortable enough to post it until now.

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This one is going to be a bit painful.  I have no intention of pointing fingers or laying blame.  My intent is to share my perspective and to let someone, somewhere know that they aren't alone.

I've been trying to heal for the past year.  Trying to make sense of how this all happened and discovering the resulting issues that I didn't even originally know were there.  This isn't normal, but it isn't full blown crazy either.  It's life.  Plainly and simply... life.  I lost control of mine and the result is what I'm dealing with now.

It would be so much easier to become bitter and hateful, but I can't do that this time.  I WANT to be the person that I was years ago.  The writer.  The artist.  The person that other people loved to be around.  The one that was always smiling and had something exciting happening right over the horizon.  I want to feel the way I used to feel.  I want to be the person that I used to be.  The realization of exactly how different I was this time last year was the most painful part of the entire experience.  I allowed myself to change and it wasn't for the better.  The only person I blame for that is me.  I am better than this.

What do you say to someone that simply gives up?  That person was me.  I gave up on everything, including myself because I felt so defeated in a war that I never agreed to fight.  The rabbit hole is a deep and scary place and it takes a lot of energy, faith, and determination to crawl out of it.  Falling is easy.  It can happen without you even realizing it.  Getting out of the emotional hole is hard and on the journey up, sometimes something happens that can pull you back down.  Unless... there are people there to help you.

Beastie, me, Sophie at home.
I am lucky enough to have people who love me enough to extend their hand and help to pull me out once they knew what was going on.  Yes, in a way I've received an intervention (or two) and it has helped me more than those people will ever know.  It's good to be loved and I can say with 100% confidence that if I am anything, I am loved.

Sitting down to write this is a struggle.  Writing anything that has to do with life is not easy because I had to censor myself for so long.  Painting has been almost impossible.  I did complete my first painting that didn't result in a panic attack, but I haven't done one since.  I've become a blank canvas collector instead.

I admit that part of me is afraid of what is going to come out onto the canvas or the way the stories in my head will develop.  I've tried really hard not to release anything negative out into the world.

Coyote Ugly, Nashville, TN
I don't remember the year.  :/
Hindsight can occasionally be cruel and funny at the same time.  We can damage people without even realizing that we are doing it while, at the same time, it is being done to us without our knowledge or consent.  I know that no one got out of this unscathed.

Out of everything that has happened to me in my life, out of all of the demons that I have had to overcome, I have never felt as defeated as I did with this one.  Touche'.  At least for a moment in time... but that time is almost over.

Tonight I'll sit down with a bottle of wine and read for a while.  All of the old stories.  Old thoughts.  Look through old photos, like the ones I used here, to remind me of just how awesome life used to be... and will be again.

And, in the end, I will savor the lessons that I've learned from this experience.  To forget is to re-live and even though I know I'll never re-live this, I also know that I'll never forget the horrible feelings that I have felt over the years because I don't want to be here anymore and there is no reason to be.  I have too much going on to allow this to ruin what I have.

This journey isn't over yet because I'm not there yet... but I will be... soon... and it will be better this time around.  Watch and see.




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